PEER INSIDE MY MIND

The Book of Gigius is a living archive of my heart, my mind, and the moments that nearly broke me—until they didn’t.

This collection of poems is pulled from the ashes of relationships, the edges of clarity, and the deepest corners of how my brain works. Some are born from heartbreak. Others from healing. All of them are mine.

Every piece is a timestamp. A truth I couldn’t say out loud. A spell I wrote to survive.
This isn’t just poetry—it’s emotional alchemy.
Welcome to my inner world.

What We Desire Destroys Us

What we desire destroys us,
A hunger that never fills.
We reach for love,
But it slips through our fingers,
Leaving us empty,
Hollowed out by wanting more.

We desire power,
Thinking it will set us free,
But it chains us tighter,
Pulling us down,
Turning our strength into weight
We can't carry.

We chase money,
Believing it will solve the void,
But it only feeds the emptiness,
A number that grows
As we shrink inside.

We crave attention,
Hoping it will make us matter,
But it fades as quickly as it comes,
A spotlight that burns too bright,
Leaving us in shadows.

Why is everything we desire
The very thing that breaks us?
The more we reach,
The further we fall,
Caught in a loop of wanting,
Of never enough.

Desire leads us to the edge,
A temptation that whispers,
"This will save you,"
But it never does.
And still, we desire,
Even as it destroys us.

By: Gigi Gayle - The Book of Gigius

The Ghost of Me

I’m not angry anymore.
Not loud.
Not shattered.
Not screaming for your name in the dark.

That part of me died.
And something softer, more powerful… rose.
Something you’ll never be able to escape.

I’ve become a ghost.
Not of who I was—
but of what we could’ve been.

You and I were fated.
I know it in my bones.
A story that jumped timelines.
A pull that defied logic.
You felt it too.
Don’t lie now.
We spoke the same soul language,
even in silence.

But now I know the truth:
You were never meant to stay.
You were meant to be my karmic.
The one who would break me,
so I could rise.
The one who would run,
so I could stop chasing.

And even as I walk away,
I know this:
I will always carry you.
In a hidden, sacred corner of my heart
that no one else gets to touch.

But that is my burden.
Your burden…
is me.

Because I will haunt you.
Not out of spite.
Not out of vengeance.
Because I showed you the real me.
So real, it left a spiritual imprint.
Etched into your timeline.
Carved into the walls of your soul.

You will hear my voice in the quiet.
You will feel my presence when the room stills.
You’ll catch a scent in the wind
and feel a chill you can’t explain.

I will visit you in your dreams—
not as punishment,
but as reminder.

You didn’t just lose love.
You lost something eternal.
You lost me.

And just when you think you’ve found peace,
I’ll drift back in.
A song. A word. A memory.
And your chest will tighten,
and you’ll know…

She’s still here.

Because I never really left.
I’ve become part of you.
A whisper in your blood.
A flicker in your breath.
A shadow behind your joy.

You’ll feel it every day—
not regret,
not pain,
but absence.

The mishandling of what was meant to be your infinite and forever.
If only you had been brave enough
to face the mirror
and admit the truth.

You loved me.
You still do.
And you always will.
But the Ghost of Me
is the closest you'll ever get again.

And that…
is your eternal loss.

I Want You

I want you in the morning light,
And in the quiet of the night.
I want you when you're feeling low,
When life is fast or moving slow.

I want you when you’re feeling blue,
And when your smile comes shining through.
I want you when you're sick in bed,
To hold you close, rest your weary head.

I want you when I make us tea,
And when you’re sitting next to me.
I want to feel your arms so tight,
And fall asleep with you each night.

I want to watch the stars above,
While lying with the one I love.
I want to spend each holiday,
With you, in every single way.

I want to make you laugh and smile,
To sit with you and stay awhile.
I want to take away your pain,
And dance with you in sun and rain.

I want you and no one else,
I’ve always wanted only yourself.
Even before I knew your name,
You were the spark inside my flame.

You’re the chapter I never read,
But always knew lived in my head.
Before I knew what love could be,
I wanted you. You were for me..

By: Gigi Gayle - The Book of Gigius

In Darkness, In Light

I love the darkness,
its mysterious beauty, an endless quiet,
where shadows soften every sharp edge,
where secrets can lie unburdened.
The night pulls me close,
its cloak a sanctuary,
as if to whisper that it, too, knows
the weight of unspoken fears.

And the moon, she is breathtaking,
watchful, radiant against the void,
her light a silvered secret, gentle and kind.
She glows without asking for praise,
holding the night in her embrace,
a beauty untouched, unseen, yet felt.

The other day, I tried to capture myself there,
to take a picture in her shadowed light.
But in darkness, my face became mystery,
lines lost, contours blurred,
a quiet hiding place where I was only half of me.

So I stepped into sunlight, bold and pure,
and there I found my truth, uncovered and whole.
The warmth captured me in its honesty,
revealing the colors in my eyes,
the trace of sadness still softened by the glow.
My skin, kissed by sun and story,
held freckles, moles, the marks of time,
and I found beauty even in what was bare.

And so I stand now,
with both the night and day inside me.
The mystery of darkness, its beautiful hold,
balanced with the light that dares me to be seen.
In shadow, I find rest; in light, I find my truth—
a harmony of hidden and revealed,
holding my darkness,
yet letting the light shine in.

By: Gigi Gayle - The Book of Gigius

The Bond

You are my temptation.

A whisper that pulls me to the edge.

They might say its wrong, But with you it feels like home.

 

You are a sweetness that I can’t resist,

A taste that stays longer after you’re gone.

A heart, a quiet, endless lake,

Where I’d willingly drown.

Not to escape, but to belong.

 

Even with miles between us,

I feel your pull, like an invisible thread.

You know it too, don’t you?

That you’re mine, and I’m forever yours.

Our hearts were tied long before the world even noticed.

It’s easy to blame Adam and Eve,

But if I were in their place,

I’d take the apple from your hand, without a second thought.

What’s a sin if it’s in your name?

I’d rather have a moment in your arms,

Than an eternity where you are just a memory.

 

What’s forever without you?

Just a life lost in the silence of missing you.

I’d give up paradise in a heartbeat,

Just to hold you if for only one day.

Because even a fleeting touch

Is worth more than an endless life without you.

By: Gigi Gayle - The Book of Gigius

Empty Spaces

I wake to the same gray skies,
The same empty room,
Silence pressing in.
Life moves on,
But I’m stuck,
Days blending into one another.

Grief sits heavy in my chest,
A quiet weight I can’t shake.
It seeps into everything,
Turning moments hollow.

I go through the motions,
Smile when I should,
But inside there’s only numbness.
Nothing lifts the weight.

I watch people moving through life—
Loving, laughing, belonging—
And wonder how they do it.
I feel like an outsider,
Watching through a glass.

I long for something real,
Someone to hold.
But the emptiness only grows.
Loneliness is a quiet ache
That never leaves.
Surrounded, yet isolated.

Some days, I wonder if it’ll change,
Or if this is just how it is—
A life of empty spaces,
Waiting for something
That never comes.

By: Gigi Gayle - The Book of Gigius

The Mirror Between Us

You were a storm,
wild, brilliant, broken.
A mind so sharp it cut you first,
then those you loved.
You wore chaos like a second skin,
but you looked at me with hope,
and I believed I could fix you.

For a while, it worked.
You grew softer,
Treating your world gently,
Dressing up in the dreams of a man
I thought you could become.
You found a path,
Took on the future like a challenge,
But the storm never really left you.

I saw your efforts,
And yet, I pulled away.
Not because you weren’t enough,
But because I was used to people
who were more—a lie I told myself.
It wasn’t time that made me distant,
It was my own reflection,
My own wounds,
Trying to shape you into something I wasn’t ready to face.

I asked you to see others,
Hoping you’d find freedom in someone else’s eyes.
I withheld love, like punishment,
Kept my distance, hoping you'd move on.
But I couldn’t escape the truth:
It was never you who needed saving.

You tried to change,
But the past crept in like shadows,
And I couldn’t forgive what I didn’t understand.
The sins, the secrets,
Things I couldn’t let rest in my mind.
And though I loved you,
I knew I couldn’t hold you close.

Now, I see the pieces of your mind
Scattered, lost in the haze of despair.
Your fall wasn’t just yours,
I pushed you,
Even when I thought I was saving myself.

I walk away with guilt heavy in my chest,
Knowing I wasn’t the answer you needed.
I chose me, but I wonder—
In doing so, did I break you?

There’s still a place for you,
In the quiet corners of my heart,
Where love wasn’t enough to save either of us.
And though I move forward,
I carry the weight of us both.

By: Gigi Gayle - The Book of Gigius

Do I Love Me?

Do I love me?
I look in the mirror, searching for the answer.
Do I see beauty here,
or just a face softened by years of waiting,
eyes that have cried in quiet rooms,
a body that has held me through it all?

I am beautiful, I answer,
not in spite of those quiet tears,
not in spite of the years spent learning,
but because of them.
Every line, every mark, tells the story
of a heart that dared to heal.

Am I enough?
I press my hands to my chest, feeling the weight
of that question—the doubt that’s lingered,
like a ghost haunting old memories.
Have I lived as enough,
or simply as someone passing through?

I am enough, I answer,
not because I meet the world’s measure,
not for anyone’s standards but my own.
I am whole in the space I take up,
worthy in the breath I draw,
more than enough for the journey I’m on.

Do I know myself?
Do I really know the one who smiles back at me,
who braved the loneliness of learning,
who paused for years to feel, to grow?
Do I know her voice, her laughter, her strength?

Yes, I know her, I answer.
She is the woman who chose herself,
who embraced the dark and the light,
who learned her own rhythm, danced to her own beat,
who can name what she loves,
and what she can finally let go.

Do I love me?
I breathe, letting the question echo,
not to pass it by, but to live in it,
to wrap myself in its truth, warm and real.

Yes, I love me, I answer,
and this love is a fire, steady and whole,
not needing to be proved or defended,
but simply held, like the heart that beats in my chest,
strong, relentless, enough.

By: Gigi Gayle - The Book of Gigius

Macallan 18 Year

I met you when my life was split,
Between wild nights and a career to fit.
You were the kind of crazy I needed then,
Handsome, smart—though broken within.
Behind that charm, a darkness crept,
One only drugs and drink had kept.

I came to you a friend first,
But soon became the one who nursed.
While I worked hours that left no space,
You found comfort in someone else’s embrace.
But even before you cheated, I knew—
My heart belonged to someone new.

You were the pacifier, the stand-in, the cure,
For a love that was distant and unsure.
Still, I stayed for the comfort of the role,
Making your bed, making your home whole.
I loved the routine, the idea of care,
But the truth is, I wasn’t really there.

We shared some laughs, we shared some love,
But we both knew what we had was just enough.
Our little jokes, our love for pets,
Are moments I remember, without regrets.
But leaving you? It had to be,
We were never destined for eternity.

Now, we laugh at how we tried to fit,
At how we both refused to quit.
We see it now, we weren’t meant for more,
Just friends from the start, that’s what we’re for.
And though I miss that life at times,
I know we had to draw the lines.

I love that we can still be friends,
Laugh at how it had to end.
In another world, we might have seen—
We should’ve been friends, and only friends,
From the very beginning.

By: Gigi Gayle - The Book of Gigius

Lost You

I met you at the edge of yourself,
A genius wrapped in chaos,
A mind so vast, yet tangled in its own darkness.
You fell for me deeply, clinging to the light I carried,
And for a while, it seemed like you could rise—
Out of the shadows, out of the haze,
Treating your world kinder,
Building a future that looked so bright.

But my heart was worn from battles I hadn’t healed,
I wanted more than you could become,
Not because you weren’t enough,
But because I had carved out spaces in me
That no one could fill, not even you.

I watched as you tried,
Bending, breaking, reshaping,
But my love became an echo,
Withheld touch, distant glances,
Silent truths I couldn’t speak aloud.
I told you to see others,
When all I really wanted was for us both to be free
From a bond I could no longer hold.
You tried so hard to be the man I needed,
But I was searching for someone else entirely.

In your fall, I see fragments of my own doing,
A push too far, a silence too cold,
And now your mind, once brilliant,
Is lost somewhere I can’t reach.
Not a day passes without the weight—
That I could’ve done more,
That I wasn’t the answer after all.
But I had to choose myself,
Even if it meant losing you to your own demons.

In my heart, there’s still a space for you,
A space for what we were,
For the boy who tried to love me
While I was learning how to love myself.
Yet I walk away, haunted by the thought—
That in saving myself,
I might’ve helped lose you forever.

By: Gigi Gayle - The Book of Gigius

Mortar and Bone

By Gigi Gayle

I built this wall with bleeding hands,
Stacked stone on stone with desperate plans.
Every betrayal, every broken trust,
Mixed into mortar, turned dreams into dust.

I carved out a life in this hollowed-out space,
A fortress of fear, a self-made grave.
Safe from the lies, safe from the fall—
Safe, yet suffocating behind this wall.

You tap at the surface with words that seem kind,
But I've seen sweet faces that rot over time.
Love is a dagger sheathed in a kiss,
A whispering poison too easy to miss.

Inside these bricks, old wounds still breathe,
They fester, they fumble, they quietly seethe.
And loneliness, my oldest friend,
Rests its heavy hand on me again.

I want to believe.
I want to break free.
But hope is a ghost that devoured me.

I don't trust soft promises, gentle hands
They all come to conquer, they all make demands.
Better to stay buried, cold and unseen,
Then risk being gutted by what love might mean.

So knock if you must,
Plead if you dare
But I am the wall,
And there’s nothing left there.